March 17, 2017

Criminal Law Bracketology

It is March Madness and SailorsAllenLaw is celebrating the occasion by creating a bracket unique Minnesota Criminal laws.   Like the tourney, we have four brackets and they are seeded 1-16.  Unlike the tournament, there is no play in games and there will be slightly less than 40 million searches filled out.  A couple of things before we start.  I cannot do a bracket on here so I will just list the games. I stayed in the 609’s.  I am sure they are some funny liquor laws (Surdyk’s)  The winners will be decided by humor and obscureness of the law. Points will be taken away if the crime could actually hurt people.   We do not celebrate harm.  So without a Rachel Maddow-like windup here we go:

The Stop and Frisk Bracket

• 1st Seed Bigamy 609.355  vs. 16th seed Fraud in obtaining credit 609.82
• 8th Seed Disorderly House 609.33 vs. 9th Seed Interfering with internet ticket sales 609.83
• 5th Seed Gambling 609.77 vs. 12 seed vs. Use of Drugs to injure or facilitate crime 609.235
• 4th Seed Bribery of Participant or official in contest 609.825 vs. 13th seed Adulteration 609.687
• 6th seed Riot 609.71 vs. 11th Seed Interfering with Cable communication system 609.80
• 3rd seed False information to news media 609.77 vs. 14th seed warning subject of investigation 609.4971
• 7th seed Criminal defamation 609.75 vs. 10 seed perjury 609.48
• 2nd seed Leaving the state to evade paternity 609.31 vs. Exposing domestic animals to disease 609.599

The Unduly Depreciates the Seriousness of the Violation Bracket

• 1st Seed Adultery 609.36 vs. 16th Seed False Tax Statement
• 8th Seed Interfering with Religious Observance 609.28 vs. 9th Seed Corrupting Influence Legislator 609.425
• 5th Seed Assaulting Police Horse 609.57 vs. 12th Seed Damage to Timber or wood processing and related equipment 609.591
• 4th Seed Simulating Legal Process 609.51 vs. 13 seed Obscene or Harassing Phone Calls  609.79
• 6th Seed False Fire Alarm 609.686 v.  11th Seed Cellular telephone counterfeiting 609.894
• 3rd Seed Unlawful smoking 609.681 vs. 14th Seed Computer Damage 609.88
• 7th Seed Exposure of unused refrigerator or container to children 609.675 vs.  10th False Traffic Signal 609.851
• 2nd Seed Impersonating an officer 609.475 vs. 15th seed Interference with Privacy 609.746

The BB Gun Bracket

• 1st Seed Fornication 609.34 vs. 16th Seed Escape from Custody 609.485
• 8th Seed Unlawful Assembly 609.705 vs. 9th Seed Abuse of Toxic Substances 609.684
• 5th Seed Adulteration by Bodily Fluid 609.58 vs. 12 seed Harm Caused by Dog 609.226
• 4th Seed Gambling (Operating) 609.76 vs. 13th Seed Divulging telephone or telegraphic message nondelivery 609.775
• 6th Seed Interfere with a Dead Body 609.52 vs. 11th Seed Sale of Nicotine to Children
• 3rd Seed Interference with Property in Police Custody 609.47 vs. 14th Seed Unlawful Deposit of Garbage 609.68
• 7th Seed Letter, Telegraph or package opening 609.795 vs. 10th Seed Presence at an unlawful assembly 609.715
• 2nd Seed Discharging laser at aircraft 609.857 vs. 15 seed Criminal use of encryption 609.8912

Consensual Horseplay Bracket

• 1st Seed Falsely Impersonating Another (Marriage) 609.83 vs 16th Seed Misconduct of Junk or Secondhand dealer 609.815
• 8th Seed Disarming Police Officer  609.504 vs. 9th Seed Public Nuisance 609.74
• 5th Seed Concealing Identity 609.735 vs. 12th seed False Name to Peace Officer 609.56
• 4th Seed Unauthorized release of Animals 609.55 vs. 13th Seed Tamper with Witness 609.498
• 6th Seed Dangerous Smoking 609.576 vs. 11th seed Bribery 609.42
• 3rd Seed Use of Police Radio in Commission of Crimes 609.856 vs. 14th seed Railroad that obstructs treatment of injured worker 609.849
• 7th Seed Unlawful ouster of exclusion 609.606 vs. 10th Seed Falsely Reporting a Crime 609.505
• 2nd Seed Unauthorized Presence at Camp Ripley 609.396 vs. 15th Seed Treason 609.385

There is the Brackets.   Now the Matchups.

 

The Stop and Frisk Bracket

1st Seed Bigamy 609.355 vs. 16th seed Fraud in obtaining credit 609.82

• Fraud in obtaining credit is sort of funny, but in a tribute to Bill Paxton and Big Love takes this one.

8th Seed Disorderly House 609.33 vs. 9th Seed Interfering with internet ticket sales 609.83

• Disorderly house means habitual violations of selling alcohol, drugs, prostitutes and gambling.  This beats Molly Cyrus.

5th Seed Gambling 609.77 vs. 12 seed vs. Use of Drugs to injure or facilitate crime 609.235

• Someone running a NCAA bracket could be prosecuted for the 5th seed, drugging people to commit crimes is macabre so that loses

4th Seed Bribery of Participant or official in contest 609.825 vs. 13th seed Adulteration 609.587

Adulteration” is the intentional adding of any substance, which has the capacity to cause death, bodily harm or illness by ingestion, injection, inhalation or absorption, to a substance having a customary or reasonably foreseeable human use.  So bribing an ref in a mite hockey game is way cooler.

6th seed Riot 609.71 vs. 11th Seed Interfering with Cable communication system 609.80

• Rioting is when 3 or more people disturb the peace by acting violent.   This beat cheater boxes.

3rd seed False information to news media 609.77 vs. 14th seed warning subject of investigation 609.4971

Upset alert.   Warning subject that they are being investigation beats out misleading one of Chris Shaffer’s “Weather Watchers” lying about the snow total in Delano.

7th seed Criminal defamation 609.75 vs. 10 seed perjury 609.48

• Lots of lying here.  Lying under oath in an upset.  Really not fair the committee paired these two liars up together.

2nd seed Leaving the state to evade paternity 609.31 vs. Exposing domestic animals to disease 609.599

• Exposing domestic animals to disease is awful.  I would never leave Pippa outside too long to a get a cold, but leaving the State to evade paternity is criminally under-seeded as a 2.  Should have been on the 1 line

The Unduly Depreciates the Seriousness of the Violation Bracket

1st Seed Adultery 609.36 vs. 16th Seed False Tax Statement

• Duh.  Adultery is not funny, but it would be funny to prosecute.

8th Seed Interfering with Religious Observance 609.28 vs. 9th Seed Corrupting Influence Legislator 609.425

• A first Amendment clash.  Religion versus free speech.   Corruption wins because it is pretty funny how easily it is to “corrupt” them.

5th Seed Assaulting Police Horse 609.57 vs. 12 Seed Damage to Timber or wood processing and related equipment 609.591

• No animal abuse offense will be celebrated here as the trendy 12/5 upset happens.

4th Seed Simulating Legal Process 609.51 vs. 13 seed Obscene or Harassing Phone Calls 609.79

• This wins easily in a blowout because pretending to fake someone out that they have court is funny.   Especially if it is evading paternity guy.

6th Seed False Fire Alarm 609.686 v. 11th Seed Cellular telephone counterfeiting 609.894

• This is what happens when you pull a fire alarm.  I know you have thought about it.

3rd Seed Unlawful smoking 609.681 vs. 14th Seed Computer Damage 609.88

Smoking in a bar unless it is for a performance.   Romeo doth puff on the sumptuous nicotine.

7th Seed Exposure of unused refrigerator or container to children 609.675 vs. 10th False Traffic Signal 609.851

• Exposing Children to Thomas the Tank Engine is bad enough.  Unused refrigerators exposure sounds horrible.  The winner in the upset is when you flash your brights at the stop light

2nd Seed Impersonating an officer 609.475 vs. 15th seed Interference with Privacy 609.746

• I may think about trying to speed up on someone if I had an old Crown Vic.  May.

The BB Gun Bracket

1st Seed Fornication 609.34 vs. 16th Seed Escape from Custody 609.485

• Escaping from custody is sort of funny.  You don’t dig out like in Shawshank.  You run away from a dental appointment during a furlough.  That doesn’t beat fornication, though.

8th Seed Unlawful Assembly 609.705 vs. 9th Seed Abuse of Toxic Substances 609.684

Great 8/9 matchup.  Abuse of toxic substance is a charge for glue sniffin’.    Unlawful assembly is rioting but with much less violence.  That pulls out the close one here.

5th Seed Adulteration by Bodily Fluid 609.58 vs. 12 seed Harm Caused by Dog 609.226

• These 12’s and 5’s.  Adulteration from above was bad enough, add bodily fluid to anything…anything and it loses.

4th Seed Gambling (Operating) 609.76 vs. 13th Seed Divulging telephone or telegraphic message nondelivery 609.775

• Operating a sportsbook wins here.

6th Seed Interfere with a Dead Body 609.52 vs. 11th Seed Sale of Nicotine to Children

• A couple of feel good ones here.   Interfering with a dead body is so weird, that it wins.

3rd Seed Interference with Property in Police Custody 609.47 vs. 14th Seed Unlawful Deposit of Garbage 609.68

• Stealing evidence is way cooler than illegally dumping.

7th Seed Letter, Telegraph or package opening 609.795 vs. 10th Seed Presence at an unlawful assembly 609.715

How did the committee put two unlawful assemblies in the same bracket?  This one is just being there, like at an Insane Clown Posse concert?  Opening the mail for your neighbor wins.

2nd Seed Discharging laser at aircraft 609.857 vs. 15 seed Criminal use of encryption 609.8912

• Discharging a laser at a aircraft, strong 2 here.  Not to be confused with discharging a laser at  OSU former point guard Aaron Craft.

Consensual Horseplay Bracket

1st Seed Falsely Impersonating Another (Marriage) 609.83 vs 16th Seed Misconduct of Junk or Secondhand dealer 609.815

The first subdivision is falsely impersonating another for marriage.   “Honey, I’m home” never felt creepier.

8th Seed Disarming Police Officer 609.504 vs. 9th Seed Public Nuisance 609.74

Felony offense to take a cop’s gun.  Don’t even think about it.  Public nuisance wins because who hasn’t been that?

5th Seed Concealing Identity 609.735 vs. 12th seed False Name to Peace Officer 609.56

• Another matchup of liars lying.  Wearing a (nonreligious or amusement) mask in public is concealing identity.  So wearing a mask to be a creep.

4th Seed Unauthorized release of Animals 609.55 vs. 13th Seed Tamper with Witness 609.498

• Who let the dog’s out?  Don’t let it be you.

6th Seed Dangerous Smoking 609.576 vs. 11th seed Bribery 609.42

• Bribery can be funny but dangerous smoking sounds so scandalous.

3rd Seed Use of Police Radio in Commission of Crimes 609.856 vs. 14th seed Railroad that obstructs treatment of injured worker 609.849

• This sounds like something the Joker would do in Gotham.  I don’t even want to know the impetus behind the railroad case.

7th Seed Unlawful ouster of exclusion 609.606 vs. 10th Seed Falsely Reporting a Crime 609.505

• Reporting that your neighbor is discharging lasers at Aaron Craft is funny but illegal.

2nd Seed Unauthorized Presence at Camp Ripley 609.396 vs. 15th Seed Treason 609.385

• What?  Treason was hot in colonial times but being at Camp Ripley wins out.

So there is your round of 32.